We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
