I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
