gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
