i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Little spoons don't ask big questions
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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