so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
