I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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