I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
