i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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