I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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