She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
