why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
