And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
