Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
