Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
