so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
