why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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