this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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