dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
