the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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