i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
