Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
