im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
