Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
