I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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