there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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