so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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