I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
