Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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