If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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