when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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