my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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