i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Boobs are out for the taking
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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