Reggie can tackle my bush.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
