i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
