last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
