oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
