My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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