Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I AM VODKA MAN
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
