I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
