Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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