I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
sex in a hospital.. check
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
