Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
