Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
