can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
