mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
