Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
