i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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