just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
