some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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