I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
