can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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