meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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