Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
