Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
